I spent yesterday evening reading through my children’s private school newsletter.  The word special was used at least half a dozen times.  The Veterans Day assembly was special, so was mitzvah day and the blue ribbon ceremony, even the unassuming car rally was special.  This tiny school was in itself very, very special.

I wondered, Is it possible ? So much specialness concentrated in one place ? Is it because the school is private, or because it happens to be a religious school ? The truth is that the school is good one.  The children are intelligent, the teachers care, the parents give of their time and money, but it is not a terribly unusual school, and i questioned the benefit in believing otherwise.

My children have attended 2 other private schools before landing at their current school and this newsletter was not unique.  At all or any of these schools there is an emphasis, not merely on learning, but a breeding ground for enlightened,compassionate champions.  The schools are not the ones that carry this measuring stick of “specialness” it’s the parents, myself included.

We, as parents, want everything fixed by the time our child hits 3rd grade.  We strive for academic perfection, or at least that our child score as well as our neighbors child.  Children grow up and then out, then continue in fits and starts, it’s quite messy, but we don’t seem to have time for that.  If our child is a solid B- student, we worry that a learning disorder may be the cause. A diagnosable problem is better than a normal natural limitation. If there is a diagnosis,specialists and tutors can be hired, drugs administered, treatment plans made and parents can maintain an illusion that the imperfection can be overcome.  Their faith in their childs unlimited potential is restored.  The normal curve has disappeared. Not every child has unlimited learning potential in all areas. I have to wonder what is going on here ?  Why is that we can’t let our young children develop at the raggedy, messy pace that is natural for them ? Why is it that we ignore our childs intrinsic strengths in an effort to push toward our notion of extraordinary achievement ?

If the pressure to be special gets too intense, children may end up with ailments that they may carry throughout their lives, sleep disorders, eating disorders, anxiety, etc.  All casualties of their parents drive for perfection.

Our reasons for pushing so hard ? Pride and fear of the future. Some parents use their child’s achievements for their own sense of security, personal glory, or the fulfillment of unfilfilled dreams.  We have all seen this on the soccer field at our kids games.  The over bearing coach, huffing and puffing, the parents yelling, rolling their eyes, while these little people struggle to make it up and down the field to score a goal that will make their parents happy. I have witnessed more boys cry than I believe is normal during these “fun” games.  Even parents that don’t use their children as a badge of their own worth find it hard not to succumb to the fever of competition. This child centered perspective is complicated and confusing to a child, where we cater to a child’s whims yet pressure them to achieve at all costs- academically,socially, and athletically.  All of this pressure has a breaking point.

Children who feel that they are expected to surpass their parents’ already high level of achievement or to demonstrate skills that are beyond capabilities will suffer, or openly rebel.

Our children are not our masterpieces, they are not even really ours. They are ours on loan, and each one has a unique path that is completely theirs to follow. All we should really do is help pave the way a little so that they can find the path more easily.

A Hasidic teaching says “If your child has a talent to be a baker, don’t ask him to be a doctor.”

Vanessa Barnett

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